Loss at full term and life after
3 minute read, Written By: Momly
Motherhood journey starts not when you hold the little baby in your arms, also not when you carry the baby in your womb; but from the moment when you start to bear a thought of becoming a mother. Mine is a 2.5 years long journey. I was an optimistic & spiritually strong person, used to believe in phrases like 'everything happens for a good reason'.
We decided to plan our first baby. But sub clinical thyroid was evil coupled with irregular period cycles, it became insufferable.
Every day I used to look forward to either periods or the test kit to show those 2 lines which are the initial strokes to welcome you into motherhood.
Then I decided to change my lifestyle. I started doing yoga on a regular basis. I remember crying in front of my mom because I was not able to conceive and then one day I found out that I was pregnant. It was the most amazing feeling. Everything was perfect during my pregnancy. The tests, scans etc. I was doing prenatal yoga, following a good diet and it felt like a zero risk pregnancy.
Then came the day which want to delete from my life. I was 38 weeks pregnant. I remember everything about the day. I was left with empty arms & broken heart. I was welcomed awith n emptiness all around.
Yes, I'm a bereaved mother and I hope and pray that no mother shall ever have to face this situation. No mother deserves this pain and forlornness. No one told me about his stillbirth. I was told that he is in NICU. I chanted "Mahamrityunjay" mantra whole night in my unconscious post-surgery state without knowing the fact that the one for whom I was chanting the mantra has already left the world.
I carried my baby in my womb for 9 months, excitedly prepared for his arrival, and dreamt of him reaching milestones. Never knew that I would not be seeing his face or touch his skin, hold his hands, hear him cry, mother him, nurse him, and love him.It was the most terrible feeling to feel an emptiness yourself and even more terrible to looking at your loved ones feeling the same.
If I am sane and alive today it is only because my husband and my family. I used to be very proud because I have a little eidetic kind of memory & it was biggest evil. It had literally killed me in every single corner of my house, society, the roads we used to take to reach hospital.
It is so hard to imagine a life where the baby you carried for 9 months is not there.
It felt as if someone took a whole big part of my body. I had slept with wet eyes every single night for 6 whole months. Praying for him to come back. I conceived again after 6 months. I got operated twice in 15 months and now I have a beautiful daughter. I love her. I try to celebrate her each single milestone. She is my universe.
Words of courage – It is okay to cry your heart out. It is okay to feel all sorts of emotions. People advised me to move on and get over it. But you cannot say that to a bereaved mother. The grief is so deep that she can never be done mourning.
